This year will be better than the last

There are two times of year when I get particularly excited and optimistic about the future: The onset of autumn and the start of a new year. While fall can be a reminder of endings, things drawing to a close, I always associated it with my birthday and the start of a new year on a personal level. And of course, New Year’s Eve/Day is the same, on a more collective level.

I’m probably more excitedly optimistic than ever starting off this new year. Last year was undoubtedly the most difficult year of my life. It also was a year filled with love and unprecedented growth. And I can say with great confidence that the growth will continue in 2017. A friend of mine texted me yesterday that “It’s going to be a good one (year) for you.” And I believe she’s right. Not just in the sense that it has to be better than last year, but that I trust there are some very big and good things in store for me.

I might not be so certain of this were it not for the lessons I learned in 2016. Here are a few of them:

• Ask more questions

Back sometime around August, I remember a conversation with a friend over text during which I said something to the effect of, “I feel like everything in my life requires explanation.” At the time, I was trying to describe the complicated reasons for why I had less time than usual to get things done during the day. They were valid reasons, and the conversation was with a  friend who cared about not only the “what” but the “why.” But I’ve also realized by being on the receiving end of similar conversations, that overexplaining can seem chaotic and can be stress-inducing for the listener.

It really hit me while listening to The Strokes’ “Hard to Explain.” Maybe when I’m struggling to explain myself it’s because I don’t really need to. Sometimes a simple answer is all that’s needed, and if someone wants or needs to know more, s/he can and will ask for more details. And maybe sometimes when I’m seeking to be understood, I should instead be asking questions and seeking to understand.

• Don’t put things off … but don’t forget to be patient

One of the biggest lessons I learned this year was that if you want, need or feel like you should do something, do it. We never know how much time we have here, or how long those we love will be with us. I know this is something we’ve all heard a million times, and we know it’s true, but it’s all too easy to take people for granted and/or to accept the comfort of not taking action to change our circumstances. Life is too damn short to waste time on things that aren’t worth our time, and it’s too short not to take chances or to make decisions based on fear. It’s why I quit a part-time job of 11+ years in 2016, why I take time for personal writing, steal moments during my work day to play with my daughter and why I say and do things even when I’m scared or anxious to. Because for every one of those positive things I do, there are as many that I didn’t do – things I never said, attention and affection I didn’t give, things that got put off for stupid, selfish reasons that now will never happen.

While it’s good practice to not put things off, though, it’s important to remember to be patient. I’m a lot more aware now when I see people losing patience over petty things. I find it easier to stand and wait in a long, slow line at a store (even if it still frustrates me a little). But I do still struggle in some ways to remain patient with God, myself, other people. I got a reminder last week at the gym of the benefits of slowing down my pace. I usually like to do my cardio workout on the elliptical, but that day I decided to start off with the stair stepper. I have to set it to a super low level, but it kicks my ass. As I climbed for 10 minutes at what felt like an interminably slow pace, my heart rate rose beyond a healthy threshold (incidentally, one of my goals for this year is to do a full 30 minutes on the stair stepper). It occurred to me that sometimes maintaining a slow pace, however difficult that might be, is more beneficial in the long run.

• When you have nothing else, give gratitude

As someone who’s always been pretty independent and self-sufficient, it can be difficult for me to accept help from others. Last year, though, I learned just how powerful it can be not only to receive but to ask for help when I need it. It’s also important to give back. I really enjoy giving, actually. I get more excited for opportunities to give gifts than to receive them. So, when I wasn’t able to give back – either because I couldn’t or people wouldn’t allow me to – I found that giving gratitude works pretty well, too.

These learning lessons aren’t my only cause for optimism. I don’t generally set resolutions for myself, but I do try to establish some hopes at the start of every new year and goals to guide them. These are the hopes around which my goals are set for 2017:

• Simplify more

I grew up in a household that was cluttered to a point of what some (including me) would consider hoarding. It wasn’t always the case, but that’s how things developed over time. As an adult, I’ve chosen a different path, finding that I prefer simplicity over the chaos of having a lot of things. Preparing to move in 2015, I stepped up my efforts because I didn’t want to move a bunch of crap I didn’t need. And last year, I did a clothing challenge that helped me get rid of a few weeks’ worth of clothes. But I still have plenty more to get rid of before I can rest easily in the amount of stuff I have. It’s not just my belongings I hope to simplify. In line with the lesson on overexplaining, I hope to simplify my mental and emotional burdens as well.

My inquisitive nature leads me to search some pretty random things. Often the result is silly. Other times, it’s painful.

 

• Love myself more

While I might not always like my circumstances, I’m pretty happy with the person I am. I felt a shift recently, a sense of stabilizing, like I’m myself again. A new self in some ways from who I was a few years, or even a few months ago, yet the same in a lot of ways, too. And I’ve gone from feeling intensely lonely to being alone and being mostly OK with it. But a few days ago, I accidentally pasted a text message I’d “cut” into the internet browser on my phone, and the search results were painful to face – to a point that I almost let out an audible “ouch” reading them. They revealed some things about myself that I don’t like very much. But I needed to face them, so I can work through them. I’m not someone who likes to shrug such things off, or to excuse things with assertions like, “That’s just how I am.” I’ve long been aware of some of the contributing factors to these characteristics I dislike about myself, and that can be a helpful place to start. One way of addressing and changing these things is to love myself more.

• Be more outwardly focused

While I’ve needed (and still need) to take time to focus on myself, I’ve realized that I’ve grown pretty inwardly focused in recent years. After Violet came along, my main objectives became taking care of my family and investing in the friendships I already had. Sure, having a kid is life-changing, and especially in that first year, it can kind of put people into survival mode. And there’s nothing at all wrong with serving God through caring for family and fostering friendships. But there’s more to life than that. I’m still working on my goals for this one. I have a project I’m working on, which I hope will help others as well as myself. And I recently started back up in a volunteering role, so maybe it’s leaning into that. Or maybe it’s taking on more work, since that puts my focus on telling other peoples’ stories. Whatever shape it winds up taking, I think it’s going to be good, and – as with whatever other lessons, growth and opportunities are in store this year – I’m looking forward to it.