Do what it takes to step through

Over the past year I’ve finally become a bit of a runner. Those who know me or who have kept up with my blog in the past may recall that while fitness is important to me, running has never really been my thing. I’d start to run from time to time in the past but would always lose momentum. 

This time around has been different, though. I’ve stuck with it. I’ve developed stamina to be able to run longer. I’d even say I’ve begun to enjoy it.

During a recent workout, while listening to Tool’s “Forty Six & 2,” I found myself reflecting on how their music—especially that song—parallels for me my relationship to fitness and running in particular.

Although heavy and dark-sounding with unusual time signatures, much of Tool’s music is about growth and overcoming. Perhaps it’s a sense of singer/songwriter Maynard James Keenan’s spirit as a runner that I connect with as I’m running to their tunes. I’m reminded of an account in his semi-autobiographical “A Perfect Union of Contrary Things”: 

“Jim ran, the sound of footsteps hard at his heels. No matter how great the surge of energy he summoned, no matter how intently he concentrated, he could not outdistance the sound…At the finish line, he looked back. Far behind him, the nearest runner sprinted breathlessly. The steps he’d heard had been his own.”

While we can compete against others in races, the ones we’re really racing against are ourselves. 

This concept comes up in another, much older text as well. In the book of 1 Corinthians, the Apostle Paul compares a life of faith to running a race, encouraging Christ-followers to “run in such a way as to get the prize.”

This is what I bear in mind as I run. I am taking care of my body—this earthly vessel I’ve been given in which to go through life. And as is the case with life in general I’ve had to push myself in my running. I’ve faced challenges and setbacks. 

The funny thing is my running habit actually developed out of a challenge in itself. It started last spring. The fitness center in my apartment complex had closed as communities across the country and globe imposed quarantines. Fueled by a desire to remain active, I began jogging inside my apartment and on the pathways through my complex. Jogs with my boyfriend, during which I could maintain my pace for barely two minutes gave way to 10-minute runs and eventually 20.

I got off track for a bit, when the summer heat became too oppressive to run even early in the morning. But when the fitness center finally reopened, my boyfriend pushed me to run on the treadmill instead of doing my go-to elliptical cardio workouts. I continued to push myself, to push my pace, to run for longer periods of time—especially when I found out that my work would still be holding an annual 5K for residents and employees.

I was up to 40 minutes of running and nearly to the 3.11-mile mark in my training when I developed debilitating tendinitis in my knee. Because it seemed to come and go at first, I continued to push myself, until one weekend I could barely stand the pain of regular, everyday walking. It was weeks before the race. Thankfully I hadn’t signed up for it yet because I had to spend the final two weeks leading up to it taking it easy on my knee. When I finally began jogging again I had to limit myself to 20 minutes at the most.

Easing back into running around the start of 2021, I made it a goal to do a 3.11-mile run this year. My hope is to make that my standard cardio workout. I’m trying to do it healthily this time. I got a knee strap. I’ve added some new stretches to the ones I’ve previously done. I know if I start feeling knee pain not to push myself, but I bought some heat therapy patches in case the tendinitis does begin acting up.

My jogs still aren’t yet back to where they were in November. I’ve continued to run into new challenges, too. It’s important to me to teach my daughter about fitness. Watching what I do, and even using equipment that she’s able to use appropriately teaches her about taking care of herself physically, and about discipline. But sometimes her presence can distract me from my workouts. Sometimes the  treadmills don’t work. Then I found myself stuck mostly inside for weeks with COVID. 

But still I fight. I continue to push, to overcome, to grow stronger. That, to me, is what Maynard James Keenan is singing about with lyrics that evoke Carl Jung’s “shadow.”

“Change is coming through my shadow.”

I’m facing the challenge, the darkness, the fears. I’m pushing myself through it. And as I do, I’m reminded how much the physical is tied in with the spiritual. How as I develop strength and muscle tone, I tend to feel more energized, think more clearly and make healthier choices all around. I am running as though to win the prize. Drenched in sweat, sometimes exhausted, I’m conquering my weakness with every step. 

“I choose to live.”